they gave me a book....

Today, I went to visit my grandpa in hospice.

Today, I asked stood in the hallway at newton hospice trying to find a book to explain to my kids that papa-d was not just sick, that papa d isn't getting any better, and that papa d was going to heaven.

Today, I asked the hospice lady for a book recommendation--she gave me a nice canvas bag with a book about dying, a coloring book, playdoh, crayons and a beanie baby.

I walked to the elevator and sobbed. I feel like I need my own book, my own canvas bag with playdoh, crayons and a beanie baby(maybe add a margarita). I am so sad...so very very very sad. I don't WANT to explain to my kids that their grandpa, my grandpa, my only grandpa left, is dying. I want to protect them from their little hearts breaking. I want someone to protect my heart from breaking. I want to protect myself from feeling like I have been stabbed in the heart every time they ask for him. He has become part of our daily routine. We see him often, he asked for us today. What am I going to do when he isn't there? What am I, going to say to my kids, who are really still babies? I read the book, in the car, while scott pumped my gas. I have been praying for God's timing in when I should start telling the boys about whats really going on.

Today, I heard my grandma tell the story about when my grandpa and her got married. How they spent countless hours in a pig pin pulling pigs, or helping a cows give birth.

Today, my grandpa asked where is his friend..... He was talking about my grandma. What an amazing testimony to 50 years of marriage, to refer to your wife, as your friend.

and lastly...

Today, My grandpa, asked forgiveness of his sins and asked Jesus into his heart. Yes, My grandpa is going to spend the rest of his days surrounded by the people who love him most, and then the rest of Eternity in Heaven. Praise God!

Grrandpa

my grandpa is ill.
dying actually.

My heart is breaking. My mom's heart is breaking, my family--our hearts are breaking.

My mom's side of my family is close. My cousins and I grew up close. We spent countless summers at each others homes, we gathered at my grandparents house for weiner roasts. Lately, we have been gathering in hospitals and nursing homes, together in waiting rooms we sit, talk, pray and laugh. 2 of us, have families, with small children at home. We joke lately, that we are the heiress's to this "crazy" and we laugh.

The day my grandpa was rushed to the hospital, I found out a few hours later, I drove franticly to dm to be there. As I walked into the ER, I sighed to see all my favorite people standing, waiting. It just felt right, and comforting, looking back now, it still does.

My grandpa continues to hang on, the last few months have been nothing short of a roller coaster. We have gathered in hospital rooms to say our goodbyes- only for him to rally and be up giving us static the next morning. Countless times i have walked out of his nursing home room in tears because I was sure I would be recieving a call that night or the next morning. But today, he still holds on. Today he is being transferred to hospice. Hospice sounds so final doesnt it??? Yesterday, he barely met the qualifications for "dying" Please pray he doesnt have to be there long. That the man, who may possibly be one of the strongest men in the world, doesnt have to hurt much longer.

A song:

In color
Jamey Johnson

I said, Grandpa what’s this picture here
It’s all black and white and ain’t real clear
Is that you there, he said, yeah I was eleven
Times were tough back in thirty-five
That’s me and Uncle Joe just tryin’ to survive
A cotton farm in the Great Depression

And if it looks like we were scared to death
Like a couple of kids just trying to save each other
You should have seen it in color

This one here was taken overseas
In the middle of hell in nineteen forty-three
In the winter time you can almost see my breath
That was my tail gunner ole’ Johnny McGee
He was a high school teacher from New Orleans
And he had my back right through the day we left

And if it looks like we were scared to death
Like a couple of kids just trying to save each other
You should have seen it in color

A picture’s worth a thousand words
But you can’t see what those shades of gray keep covered
You should have seen it in color

This one is my favorite one
This is me and grandma in the summer sun
All dressed up the day we said our vows
You can’t tell it here but it was hot that June
That rose was red and her eyes were blue
And just look at that smile I was so proud

That’s the story of my life
Right there in black and white

And if it looks like we were scared to death
Like a couple of kids just trying to save each other
You should have seen it in color

A picture’s worth a thousand words
But you can’t see what those shades of gray keep covered
You should have seen it in color

You should have seen it in color

tables, life,

today i thought.. " i am going to refinish my kitchen table" i bought this table at the goodwill for 13 dollars and after finally finding 4 good chairs that are in good condition(thanks aunt raeann!) I drug the table outside and started to sand it down.... I learned a few good lessons today:

• 1.) ventilation, ventilation, ventilation- the chemical used to take the original finish off is toxic enough to make any future children of mine have 3 eyeballs and gills.

• 2.) patience patience patience-- I spread out the varnish remover, wiped off the varnish remover, sanded, pre stain conditioned, applied stain, removed stain, called my mom to complain that it wasnt absorbing the stain, called the paint shop only to find out i didnt do enough sanding, reapplied remover, resanded re sanded some more and then reapplied the finish... its still not as dark as i want it, i just have to keep applying and reapplying. grrrrr

• 3.) when you have a perticular peice of furnature in mind- save your money and go buy it at homemakers :)