So What Wednesday...

So what if before 8:30 this morning, Max had managed to slather his body with diaper rash cream he looked like a ghost, and that crap doesn't come off with just water.

So what if before 9:30 I had already called Poison control because while I was getting Luke out of the tub and dressed from the diaper cream disaster of 2013, Max had used his scooter as a step stool and gotten on the counter and grabbed Karter's seizure medicine, opened the lid and drank it.  How much he drank, we still aren't sure but after a panicked call to my awesome cousin (who just happens to be a pharmacist,) and a call to poison control, we are just hanging out keeping an eye on him this afternoon. I really don't think he actually drank that much, because there were 2 puddles on the floor, but I just couldn't know for sure.  Better safe than sorry I guess.

So what if I am just so ready for a nap this afternoon.


So what if I decided that I have a completely random urge to start photographing road kill. In the last few weeks I have come upon 1 raccoon and one 1 squirrel that made me want to drop my van in park and take a picture. Last week it was a squirrel who was completely smooshed flat, except for it's tail that was straight up in the air all bushy.  2 weeks ago it was a dead raccoon in the middle of the road with just one arm straight up in the air.  To my sick sense of humor, its was funny.  It still is when I think about it.  I might start a weekly thread on this blog for my road kill art....  or maybe not.


So what if I am thinking about transferring the boys to a different school district.

So what if my heart is so overwhelmed with people who are hurting lately.  It seems so many of my friends and loved ones are hurting, and not just little things but big, gigantic, astronomical, only-God-can-orchestrate things.  I just find myself in constant prayer for these people.  So if you read this blog, please stop right here and say a quick prayer for these people....
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Thank you.


So what if I am so bogged down with homework I feel as though there is no way I can catch up.  I know I just need to make a list and check things off, but there is no shortage of distractions around here lately.

So what if I keep repeating "only 8 more weeks of class, only 8more weeks of class" over and over again.  That "I can do this" high is gone, it has been replaced with a common cold and cub scouts fundraisers.

Speaking of cub scouts, so what if the boys are only $200 away from their popcorn selling goal.  Anybody need any popcorn??

So what if I chose to do my research paper about separating twins in classrooms and I really have no clue where to start... where oh where did I stick my creativity?


So what if I am so thankful to be able to put away all of our summer clothes. Bring on the jeans and sweaters!

 

10 years.

Dear Tony,

The song they played at your funeral still causes me to have to pull over my van to sit and sob.  It's been 10 years since the day my world was completely rocked off its axis, and yet just the first few notes nearly stop me in my tracks. It is hard to believe that you left so long ago, and yet I can close my eyes and replay that day without missing a single detail.

So much has happened in that time, and you have missed all of it.  I just know in my heart of hearts you and I would still be great friends.  I would have pictures of you at my wedding on my wall, and you most likely would have been the only guy at my baby showers. You would have helped us with the house, and helped us move in.  We would still have our breakfast dates where we discuss things that still probably don't really matter.  You would probably make it to a few bonfires and chased my boys around the yard. They would have loved you. 

Speaking of my boys. Countless times I have told them about you.  We visit your grave on our walks through the cemetery.  I watched this spring as Gavin reached down to brush the grass clippings from the mower off of your picture.  Without even knowing you, he cared.  They would have had so much fun with you.  I remember all those carefree days we had, driving in the car to UNI, hanging out and just being young.  I can only imagine all of the crazy antics you would have taught them by now.  Wanna know what the most annoying sound in the world is?    
 
The look of grief still plagues your mom.  I can see it in her face at each of our baby showers and every birthday party she attends.  The giant elephant in her room screams that she should be stitching baby blankets and buying gifts for her grandchildren not for ours.  But she comes, with a smile on her face and a lump in her throat.  I watch as she pleads with her eyes for us not to ever forget you, which we couldn't even imagine doing.

I pray my children never have to feel the loss of a dear friend.  I pray they never have to experience the pain that never dulls, the hole that will forever remain open in their hearts, and the pain that comes with loosing someone who had so much to live for.  As an adult, the pain can still be so paralyzing it causes me to gasp in air as though it could be my last breath. As a young person, it nearly became my breaking point.  It was an event of such significance, my entire world was changed. I pray my kids never have their worlds changed in such a way as I did.

I look at everything differently since you left us.  Your death taught me that people are always more than they put off to be.  That struggles are buried inside them and brushed over with makeup and a smile on the outside.  I think often about that last time we had had breakfast together.  I can't remember what we had talked about but I always kick myself for not checking in on you.  Not asking you if things were okay, not pleading with you to just lighten your load on my ears. I don't blame myself for what happened, I can look back now and know it was all far to big for that.  But I do regret not stopping to ask you about you.  I think I cling to that regret as if it would have made a difference.

I grieve for you today, on this ten year mark of the day you ended your life. I grieve for your parents, who have done what they could to pick up the pieces since you left.  I grieve for your wife, who you never met, never fell in love with, and never married. I grieve for your children who never came into existence because of your passing too soon, and who will never know what an awesome dad you would have been. I grieve for you today and I hold my breath and say a prayer today for comfort for those who miss you most. 

I would really like to do something to honor you.  For you were someone who made a huge difference in my life, and I like to think you wouldn't want all of us sitting around crying about missing you today.  We would be getting ready to celebrate our 30th birthday next year, and so I think I will find a way to celebrate on that day a life, which just by being here, completely changed mine.

 

"In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky.
In my heart there always be a place for you, for all my life.
I'll keep a part of you with me, and everywhere I am there you'll be"