Dance and Derby cars

I think God knew what He was doing when he gave me boys.  I am never more thankful for a house full of boys than on Saturday mornings when my facebook friends are posting pictures of their little girls all dressed up and decked out in fake hair pieces and sequins for a dance competition.  It nearly makes me drop to my knees and throw my hands in the air praising the Lord God Almighty for His sovereign knowledge when he placed the Y chromosomes on each of my darling offspring's DNA.   You see, I am not cut out for that, or maybe it is that I am so cut out for that I would have become that mom, that mom that is one can of glitter short of cray-cray, the one that MTV makes reality shows out of.  It wouldn't be pretty, it wouldn't bring out the best in me, it wouldn't bring out the best in anyone.  I mean, I was ready to throw up on derby car race day and had spent the entire morning in prayer and meditation self-talking myself into being calm and telling myself lies about how winning doesn't matter and what does matter is the amount of fun they have.  I even spent time practicing my "it's okay if you didn't win" face.  Yea, I would have to attend a dance competition in a straight jacket.

Here are a few pictures from the Pinewood Derby race a few weekends ago.

Karter's car is the red #18 and Gavin's is the blue #48

My scouts



Pa and daddy were checkin out the competition

It was an exciting day!  Gavin and Karter both raced another boy for first place. 
The other boy barely beat out Karter's car. Leaving Karter and Gavin to race for 2nd place. 
Gav's car won 2nd and Karter won third.

Our "hardware" 
There was some conversation over if these trophies would stay at our house or in Pa's garage.

Karter and Gavin and their Pit Crew

TWO in one DAY! SWW

 

 

 

I mean, why not on the day I come out of blog hiding should I also bust out my FAVORITE blog posts of all time  SO WHAT WEDNESDAY!

 

So what if I am obsessed with our new sheets from Target, they are Threshold brand and soooo soft.

 

So what if I had the very best weekend I have had in a long time with my twin mom friends.  These girls and I have known each other online since we were pregnant and have become some of the best of friends.  We had a great time spending time together in Des Moines, and enjoyed some great food and great conversation.  An ultrasound brought each of us together, but life made us friends.

 

 

 

So what if I finally joined the smartphone world, but I have a love/hate relationship with the thing.  It almost makes me want to become LESS accessible.

 

So what if I just filled out applications for preschool for Luke and Max this fall.  How the heck did that happen???

So what if we are getting ready to make some big changes in our household.  We have been praying about them for quite some time and things are really starting to fall into place.  You can pray for us too-- we need all the help we can get!

So what if I am so excited for baseball season to get here, well any season that isn't winter would be okay too.  Seriously, it has been cold since NOVEMBER... that's 5 months of freezing temps and a grouchy mama.  I need some sunshine, some warm weather and a bonfire ASAP.

 

So what if I didn't get an A in my Psychology class like I thought I was going to.  I ended up making a stupid mistake on my final and missed 90% by 1.5%.  I mean I still got a B+ but I really wanted the A.

 

So what if potty training is making me stabby.  It has stalled out at going "just okay" and really isn't getting any easier.  The boys do okay at home but scream as though someone is chopping off each of their fingers and toes with a hole puncher whenever we enter a public restroom.  Its exhausting and I am ready to be done.  I actually just looked into sending them to daycare for a month so that THEY can do for me.  Evidently I am not cut out for potty training twins.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm still here...

Countless times I have pulled up blogger, I just don't have the energy to write.  What I should say is I don't have the energy to write something funny, something upbeat, something worthy of being on Just B.  I always tell people when they come to me for blogging advice that they should always write the good AND the bad so that way people can see your vulnerability, and your honesty. I haven't done that, mostly because I am afraid that if I start typing the words and the negativity that is floating in my thoughts each and every day will not stop spewing out.  It will break the dam that holds it all in, the one I have been trying to control myself.  Have you seen those cartoons when the character breaks a stick off the damn and then water comes flooding out the hole, so she sticks her finger in the hole only for another spot to spring a leak, she plugs that one and 4 more leaks come pouring out. She tries with reckless abandon to control the leaks so that she doesn't drown by the water building up on the other side of her wall.  I look like that friends.  I feel as though I am holding back some giant flood that is going to break free in a matter of moments.  I find myself smiling at people just praying that they won’t look me in the eyes and ask me how I am doing, (you would be surprised the amount of people who ask you how things are going, but don't ever really want a response.)
I picked up Carry On Warrior last week and started reading yesterday, something hit me square between the eyes:  "Sometimes the people who need the most help look a lot like the people who don't need any help." 

I am okay, I am just struggling.  I feel as though I am just walking through a bit of a wilderness, one that I don't think even my closest friends can understand.  I am struggling with motherhood, with friendships, with relationships, and with myself. I am sure 95% of this has to do with the lack of sunshine and the lack of a season other than winter for the last 5 months.  My friendships are changing, mostly because I have such a fear of offending people by stating my own thoughts and opinions that I would rather just sit and listen instead of bringing anything to the conversation.  I am too tired to try to discuss deep things AND police my thoughts as to not offend someone. It's easier to just not call, not get together and not make plans. My husband, well, I have to thank God every single second of the day that He saved such a patient, loving man for me, because any other human being would have washed his hands of me and my crazy in a hot second.

I need to work on letting go and letting God..  Maybe what I am working so feverishly to prevent could really be the cleansing water of Jesus ready to burst through the dam and wash over me.  Maybe letting go of the image of control I enjoy clinging too would give me the freedom to heal my hurting because Lord knows I am going crazy trying to keep things from getting messy and maybe things really do need to get messy so God can throw me a life-saving buoy.  Until then I am walking around singing "Let It Go" like I was chosen for the cast of Frozen myself.  Letting things go, and letting God do his thing. Until then, I am still here, still trucking away, still showing up.  Taking in each and every day, thanking God for showing me why he wants me here, reading every "Dear mom who feels like _______" post on the internet, and praying- thanking God I am still here.